“Yours in the Bonds of Christian Love”: Romantic Friendships Between Women of the Reconstruction Era
In the 19th century, women often expressed friendship through the expressive and affectionate language typical for the time. Such relationships, though outwardly seen as conventional and even expected, could carry an intensity that blurred the line between friendship and something more. In the years following the American Civil War, letters became an especially important way for these women to sustain connection across distance and other disruption. Letters were vital life updates, both from the battlefront and from household to household. Oftentimes, the latter type of correspondence was between women who were left to manage entire households on their own, as men went off to war. These cross country friendships bridged the gap between women of the Reconstruction era, allowing them to share the emotional burden of their households and voice their feelings.
The correspondence also provides valuable insight into how women navigated socially acceptable forms of intimacy. Later in the century, these close relationships would come to be referred to as “Boston marriages”. Often driven by widowhood or the desire for independence, these “romantic friendships” even allowed women to share households and support one another, with no explicit romantic or sexual connotation. Interestingly, these relationships were common in a time before the words “homosexual” or “heterosexual” came to be used at all. In a letter dated October 20, 1865, author R. Virginia P. uses both religious and emotional intensity to express a deeply personal attachment that not only conforms to but also subtly stretches the boundaries of socially acceptable friendship between women in the aftermath of the American Civil War.
The cultural assumption of the time that women’s relationships were spiritual and emotional, rather than physical in any way, allowed for intense expressions of verbal and physical affection that did not immediately challenge any social norms. This allowed relationships such as the one existing between R. Virginia P. and the letter’s recipient to be both socially acceptable and deeply meaningful. The letter expresses the desire to “...willingly as before press you to my throbbing heart…”, a phrase that suggests not only emotional attachment, but also physical intimacy. However, R. Virginia P. refers to the recipient almost exclusively as “friend”, an ambiguity that is used to ensure that the relationship stays within the bounds of what was socially acceptable for the time. In no way, however, does this lessen the affection and intimacy found in the correspondence; in fact, the writer assures her friend that any perceived coldness or distance on her part is “...the fault of the head, and not the heart, for there you will always be remembered and loved.” What becomes clear throughout the letter is a highly complex yet deeply rooted attachment between these two women of the Reconstruction era, an attachment that very well may have stretched the boundaries of what could be regarded as strictly platonic.
Furthermore, R. Virginia P. uses religious imagery and religious guilt as a point of connection with the letter’s recipient. Through the use of phrases such as, “How often it drives us from the cross of Christ…”, the writer seems to refer to the recipient as a religious sounding board, creating a relationship that could easily be framed as Christian connection; the use of words such as “us” and “our”, in particular, showcase the religious connection at the heart of the correspondence. This idea of religious guilt is also used to portray the writer’s struggles with restraint, as she desires “...not to be a stumbling block in the church to which I belong or to anyone…” due to her perceived sins. This religious guilt and sense of sin is an undertone throughout the whole letter; it is both the restraint the author struggles with and the reason she writes. Regardless of how she feels about her own struggles with control, she encourages the object of her affections to “...feel no restraint” and affirms herself to be “Yours in the bonds of Christian love.”
Though both the writer and the recipient of this 1865 letter are unknown to history, the correspondence is an important way to understand socially acceptable relationships between women of the 19th century. Through emotionally intimate phrasing and religious connection, R. Virginia P. portrays a complex and deeply heartfelt relationship, one that is emotionally charged yet careful, meaningful, yet undefined. The ambiguity of language being used in this correspondence speaks volumes to the ambiguity of the relationship itself. Ultimately, this friendship is one that not only stays within but also subtly stretches the bonds of platonic attachment for that time. This ambiguity shows itself time and time again across American history, from Eleanor Roosevelt’s letters to Lorena Hickok to Emily Dickinson’s correspondence with Susan Gilbert. As a result, relationships such as the one immortalized in this letter are difficult to define, and, as result, underrepresented and marginalized in historical narratives. Truly understanding this correspondence may never be possible, as it requires understanding and acknowledging not only what is being said, but also what is being implied and understood beyond the words. Even within social boundaries, the depth of shared feeling is clear, allowing readers to catch a glimpse of the emotional struggles that shaped the day to day lives of women of the Reconstruction era.
Works Cited
Beckman, Emma. “Boston Marriages.” The West End Museum, 2026,
https://thewestendmuseum.org/history/era/immigrant-neighborhood/boston-marriages/. Accessed 19 May 2026.
Janssen, Diederik F. “Homosexual/Heterosexual: First Print Uses of the Terms by Daniel von Kászony (1868–1871).” Journal of Homosexuality, vol. 68, no. 14, 2021, pp. 2574–2579. https://doi.org/10.1080/00918369.2021.1933777.
P., R. Virginia. “Dear Friend.” 20 Oct. 1865. Gilder Lehrman Collection,
https://www.gilderlehrman.org/collection/glc0313505149. Accessed 19 May 2026.
Popova, Maria. “The Greatest Queer Love Letters of All Time.” The Marginalian, 2014, https://www.themarginalian.org/2014/02/14/greatest-queer-love-letters/. Accessed 19 May 2026.
Studd, John. “A Comparison of 19th Century and Current Attitudes to Female Sexuality.” Gynecological Endocrinology, vol. 23, no. 12, 2007, pp. 673–681.
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